friends, guy smiley, chasing grizzly bears with steak knives.

I had the pleasure of seeing these guys
at the Albert last night...

Good times with great friends!
I'm glad I attended.
Thanks Dyani & Ricky for the last-minute ticket!
The show was SOLD OUT so I was lucky to be there.

Then, I woke up this morning
after having the strangest dream...
I was chasing a grizzly bear with a steak knife.


Could this be a metaphor?
I did happen to catch a glimpse of an
angry mammal at the Albert last night...
Hmmmmm!

"What should have killed us made us stronger"
= What could have killed me made me stronger.

Time to shower, make coffee & study my ass off!
xoxo, friends!

natural disasters.

With destruction comes renovation.

[ I Know This Much Is True - Wally Lamb ]

don't hold your breath.

"I'm living under water.
Everything seems slow & far away.
I know there's a world up there,
a sunlit quick world where
time runs like dry sand through an hourglass,
but down here, where I am,
air & sound & time & feeling
are thick and dense."

- The Time Traveler's Wife

dysfunction.

"Sometimes skulls are thick.
Sometimes hearts are vacant.
Sometimes words don't work."

the search for balance.

I tend to wonder if

balance & equilibrium are attainable...

...as I'm getting a bit sick of rolling with the punches
without someone standing next to me unconditionally.

i tend to find myself wondering if this is even possible.

there are people in love who i thought had it 'together'
who now seem to be torn at the seams
& on the verge of
falling apart.
it saddens me &
on bad days like today,
only reinforces my cynicism.

i have more exams this week.
i'm stressed.
need breathing room
(& back rubs).

bloodbuzz.

Sigh...
this is how I feel about life lately.

I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about love when I thought about home
I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
The floors are falling out from everybody I know.
I'm on a blood buzz
Yes I am
I'm on a blood buzz

- The National

Apparently being a full-time student & study machine
can lead one to feel depressed & lonely from time to time...
Thank god I have music to keep me company.

doolittle.

guilty pleasures.

roy.

say what?

i said i would post my "resolutions" so here they are.
i've left out the obvious ones that
everyone makes & never keeps
i.e. eat better, don't get fat, exercise,
have more sex, make more money, go more places,
yada yada yada.

so dun dun dun...here they are.

my hopes for 2011:

1. to diffuse cynicism & doubt when it comes
to building/maintaining successful relationships

its quite silly to base all of my
future decisions & ideals
on past hardships,
bouts of bad luck,
lapses of proper judgment,
& the lingering memory of
all the shit i waded through in years previous.
i need to learn from the past
without dwelling upon the marks
its left upon me.

2. to go out of my way to make time
for my friends/loved ones

school doesn't need to take over
my life in its entirety.
perfection is unachievable & also unnecessary.
sanity supersedes 'perfect' grades anyway.

& i need my friends in order to get through
the insanity that is nursing school.
(dyani, this means you. i MISS you.)


3. to screw realism, & embrace idealism

this is sort of a continuance from #1...
but being too realistic is
bordering on pessimistic for me these days.
i miss my silly old hopeful self
who dreamt of things that may never be.
i hope that trait re-emerges in me somehow.

4. to stop planning what's beyond my control

whatever happens, happens.
(no more hypothetical 5-year plans)

5. to leave the past behind.
& let go of old grudges.

if i don't find a way to do this,
old wounds can never heal,
& my heart will never have room
for anything or anyone new.

i think that's it in a nutshell.

i don't regret much that happened last year,
or anything that happened
in the years prior for that matter...

after all,
everything that happens to us makes us
who we are at this very moment.

& no,
i don't believe everything happens for a reason...
some things happen for NO fucking reason at all,
so searching for some kind of hidden
subliminal explanation in each & every
life-changing occurrence
is tedious & somewhat ridiculous.

so bring it on, 2011.
i'm growing tired of the same old shit
happening over & over.
i'm ready for a change.

the lengths

♥



coals are hot to walk across
without your shoes
but in the end,
know that you got nothin' to lose.

GST.

= pay some bills

+ new kicks!

♥ physiology

all of my recent studying on
cardiac physiology led me to the discovery
of the existence of the real-life condition
called takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

"Because this weakening can be triggered by emotional stress,
such as the death of a loved one,
a break-up, or constant rejection,
the condition is also known as broken heart syndrome."

this leads me to wonder whether or not
many of our hearts are impacted gradually
by the hurt we experience over the course of our lives.
obviously stress is linked to heart attack,
among other cardiac conditions...
but maybe 'heartbreak' even leaves permanent marks on our organs,
the impact of love, loss & emotional harm showing up internally
no matter how well we hide it externally.

i used to be an idealist,
but due to experiencing my share of emotional turmoil,
i like to consider myself more of a realist nowadays.
i haven't decided whether or not this is a change for the better or not...
after all, as they say,
ignorance is bliss.
(but is it really?)

hrrmph.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.

Comes into us at midnight very clean.

It's perfect when it arrives &
it puts itself in our hands.
It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."
-John Wayne

I don't know if its the start of the new year
or something else that I'm unable to pinpoint,
but I've spent the entire day
feeling terribly uneasy & I can't figure out why.

Sometimes I think I need someone around
to remind me to stay calm,
to offer reassurance when things feel off kilter.
Other times I think I can do just fine on my own.
After all,
when it comes down to it,
is there really anyone else to rely on besides yourself?
Everything & everyone in life is so fleeting.