another reason not to use acronyms

stir crazy.

i'm sick of studying,
sick of no surprises,
sick of being sleep-deprived
sick of my hair & body
(i've turned into such a girl - when the HELL did this happen?)

...sick of always waiting for things to happen.
blahhhhhhhhhh.

break down the walls.

when i was a kid,
one of my favourite tv shows was
in search of...
it was narrated by leonard nemoy:each episode was about the hunt for some
historical phenomenon or mythical creature.
i remember spending a summer
running around the woods barefoot at the lake
looking for bigfoot.

today i'm still 'in search of' many things,
only those things that i seek have changed greatly.
i'm seeking:

- COMFORT
- purpose
- fulfillment
- truth
- love
- acceptance

i also hope to rediscover & unearth
some qualities within myself
that used to exist,
but have been stomped into what i hope
is only a temporary submission.

i don't regret the things that i've done,
& i'm not sorry
for loving the ones that i've loved.

but i do wish that i could buck up...
& instead of hiding the scars that have been left behind,
instead of maintaining the fortress
i've so delicately built around my heart...
that i could just break down the walls
& put myself out there again.

fruits of labor

Today was my last day of my 1st clinical rotation:
- I passed!
(not that I expected otherwise)
I'm feeling more & more 'nurse-like' all the time. :)
Now just to make it through final exams...

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Einstein

things done lately...

- studying

- i replaced napping with P90X
(plyometrics owned me today)

- snuggled with my cats

- i also re-arranged my entire room
(confession: this is what i do when i feel sad)

- cut out a destructive person from my life

(don't ask)


- reminisced

- wanted to cry (but i can't)

coming to Winnipeg...

this made my day today,

& will probably make my summer too!

July 2nd at the MTS Centre!

missing.

hmmm...
what do you do
if you find yourself
missing someone
who never really existed?

i got a stone where my heart should be.

blues.

interference.

too bad he can't write my exam for me.

p90x.

1 day down, 89 to go.

drama free zone.

all you ever wanted.

i ♥ the black keys.

oh, single awareness day...

(i hope)

mood music.

brutal ♥s

sick study (movie) weekend.

in between attempting to study

while fighting off the worst cold i've ever had,
i'm spending time watching movies:




sooooooo good.


& here's what's on deck:


to be continued...

c.

"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost

sometimes reality needs to smack you in the face
so that you can learn to suck it up & carry on...

when someone you love is diagnosed with the big c,
you can't help but discover
& hold onto
some kind of new-found
appreciation for life...

but at the very same time,
you find yourself feeling
a whole new kind of sad;
a sad that
no words could ever begin
to scrape the surface of.
its your worst nightmare realized,
with an entirely new definition
that no amount of vocabulary in the world
could ever muster.

there are times that i wish i believed
in a higher power,
so that at least then perhaps the idea of death wouldn't seem
like nothing more than an abrupt ending
to some stunning yet incomplete novel that could have been
more well-written.

an entry to erase later.

I don't feel like myself these days.
I haven't for awhile...
Then it dawned on me -
Maybe this "self" I'm missing no longer exists.

I keep waiting for something to happen
but it doesn't.

School is saving my life right now.
I don't need any extra time
to be preoccupied by the monsters in my head.

brain pain.

so many exams...
so little Redbull.

there's a light.

Oh history please let me go
Let me be, leave me alone

equation.

9 1/2 hours at school
+
2 hours at the hospital doing patient research
+
countless hours at home reading up
on drugs & random medical shit

=

sheer exhaustion.

(& I'm not even close to being finished)

$*#*%#@###@***!!!