clean slate.

i started a new blog.
if you want the address,
ask & thou shall receive.

- Heraclitus

hmmmm...

one step forward,
two steps back.

sometimes it's a little too easy
to fall back into old habits.

i'm metaphorically
banging my head against
the wall today. ugh.

in other news...

i'm excited for the long weekend.
i deliberately didn't make too many plans.

tonight will likely involve
eating leftovers & double stuf oreos
in my underwear
& watching lame movies
in a meager attempt to
diffuse the 1/4 life crisis
i feel like i'm loathing in right now.

tomorrow,
i will be wandering around gimli
with friends staring at vikings,
eating shitty food,
& hiding from the sun.

i had intended on making
some kind of celebratory plans
for my birthday
but i think i'm scrapping
the whole idea altogether.
there's too many other things
going on at the time.

marco polo.

i had the most random,
hilariously awesome night
on tuesday
with one of my nursing school pals.

this just about sums it up:

the toad,
gin,
random dudes we met,
papa george's,
a swimming pool,
volleyball,
marco polo.

so much fun!
can't remember the last time
my cheeks & guts hurt
from laughing so hard.

it was just what i needed.

the days were starting to feel
like the same boring record
repeating itself
over&over&over.

sometimes,
instead of waiting for things to happen,
you just need to put yourself out there
& LET them happen.

ugh.

back pain
+
boredom
+
busted hot water tank
+
sleep deprivation

=

grumpy linz :(

school starts in a month
& i'm not quite ready
to dive back into the books.

sigh.

summer,
you disappoint me.

happy birthday, papa of genetics!

Bonne fete, Gregor Mendel!

these days.

"wasted times & broken dreams,
violent colours so obscene,
it's all i see these days...
these days."

wired.

work was fucking insane.

code blues generally result
in me being completely wired
& not being able to sleep after my shift.
this morning is definitely no exception.


went to the chiropractor after work
to get adjusted for the 4th time in a week.
him & i talked about
breaking necks,
how stupid smoking is,
death,
& cadavers.

what a weird day.

it's interesting how so much can change
yet still remain the same.

(i'm missing something
someone
who's already gone.)

i'm NOT missing:
- the angriest person i've ever known
who,
in the end,
through the utter hell he put me through,
ended up inadvertently
showing me that i deserve
soooooo much better.

thanks for that, double hater!

i've never felt safer than i do now.

post secret.

this isn't my secret,
but it certainly offers some perspective.

best policy.

there's nothing wrong with being honest.

OOF!
i just finished a 12 hour night shift.
but overtime means i'm that much closer
to paying for finishing my tattoo,
& then hopefully a plane ticket to calgary
to visit my bro.

6 more nights 'til i have 3 days off!

i can't believe how fast summer is going by.
even though i'm working a ton,
i'm still trying my best to
maintain a balance
between work & fun
by doing all that i can to enjoy my
time off from school.

had a beach day on thursday
with one of my best nursing pals,
& i've also been
soaking up lots of sun in the backyard.

time to hit the chiropractor
get hit by the chiropractor
& then crash!

p.s...
this is worth a watch:
dear 16-year-old me

ch ch changes.

"there's only one thing for certain:

everything changes."

- six feet under

today was awesome.

finis.

just finished a brutal stretch of nights.
i had a bit of a rough week.
came to some realizations
& took a big step back
from something i'm not ready for.

my weekend starts now.

thus far, my plans include:

purple hair,
sleep,
weed-pulling,
flower-planting,
birthday drinks for a friend,
pay bills,
hair cut,
coffee with my bestie,
& whatever else that comes my way.

i need fun.

lonely summer.

i miss school.
it was a nice distraction...

there's been a lot on my mind lately.
so much, that there are days that i think
my head will explode.

i wish i knew why so many people i know
are so codependent in their relationships.


i don't feel that this is a misconception at all
on my part,
since i've been very guilty of it in my own past.

but hindsight is 20/20,
& i'm able to recognize that now more than ever.

it's not a topic people want to discuss though.
i know i didn't when i was in that position.
it's easy to become defensive.

despite dealing with numerous stresses
in my life right now,
i'm happy to be able to say with confidence
that i'm completely self-assured.

i've never been more independent,
& while it can be trying at times
to say the least,
at the end of the day i know that
i'm okay.
& i will always be okay.

i no longer need to be needed
in order to feel worthy of love.

plus i've learned to
cherish my alone time...
you know,
when i can snack in bed
watching lame movies
only to notice the crumbs in my hair
the next morning...

want.

dear falafel balls,
words cannot express
my love & desire for you.

tonight!

blue valentine.

this was one of the most
heart-wrenching
films i've seen in a long time.

it showcases love for all that it is:
all-consuming,
passionate,
seemingly unbreakable,
world-rattling,
fleeting,
unforgiving,
excruciatingly painful,
disappearing.

:(

night off...
up all night.

work, sleep, repeat.

i'm pooched but work rules hard lately.
it's been great to be paid to be reminded
that i'm on the right path.

well well well...

hello again, graveyard shift.

the truth is,
sometimes i think you're killing me slowly...

but thanks for reminding me
that i'm doing what i'm meant for.

dreamer.

"Yes, I am a dreamer.
For a dreamer is one who can
find his way by moonlight,
and see the dawn
before the rest of the world."
- Oscar Wilde

* picture found here

tunnels.

underground.

i vant to suck your blood.

the school year came to a close
2 weeks ago...
i spent 4 days at the lake with
some of the girls
i've leaned on all year.
it was a much-needed escape.

i think we all had days where we
felt like throwing in the towel.

i honestly thought that i had
realistic expectations for nursing school,
but it's proven to be much, much harder
than i ever anticipated it could be.

starting tonight i'm back at work
full-time for the summer,
overnights as usual, bleh.
the vampire shift sucks,
but the money is good.

being in school was a nice, albeit temporary,
distraction from being flat broke.
i was too busy studying to notice.
but i just have to keep reminding myself...
2 more years.

the grueling financial hardship &
personal sacrifice
will all be worth it in the end,
i know it will.

other than that...

life is different lately.

despite financial stresses,
i'm quite content.

i experienced something recently that
i hadn't for quite some time
- i missed someone.
which i realize seems like
such a simple thing,
but for me this is a big deal...

because for so long,
i felt like i had just been
going through motions,
trying to force myself to exhibit
any shard or remnant of emotion.
soooooo...

i could get used to this.

nursing girls!

i've met some awesome people this year...

only 4 days away from being
finished year 1!

resolve.

trying.

it's much easier said than done
to overcome fears based on negative past experiences.
but i'm tired of just treading water...
- i'm sapped of energy.
up until recently,
it was easier just to keep everyone at an arm's length...
but now i crave closeness,
& due to stepping outside of my comfort zone
(aka the hole i dug for myself)
all of these fears have resurfaced
& i don't feel like i have it all together anymore.

...to be continued.

aphasia.

i have so much to say but
i can't seem to spit the words out lately.

pixies.

this show last week for sure
made it into my top 5...

yup.

i'm grumpy.

the rumors are true.

this is me, to a tee.

sparks.

do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet,
the not-at-all.
do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the
life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
check your road and the
nature of your battle.
the world you desire can be won.
it exists. it is real.
it is possible.
it is yours.

– Ayn Rand

oof.

truth be told,

i'm in a bit of a hole today.

a sunday secret & random verbal spew.

i keep wondering how much longer
love will elude me
(or i'll elude love?)

i'm growing tired of being
solitary.

i miss having...
a guaranteed movie buddy,
a little spoon,
a shoulder to smoosh my face into,
feet to warm my icy toes,
hair to run my fingers through,
& sleepy eyes to wake up next to.
true intimacy.

no amount of killing time
or self-induced ignorance
will make me less homesick for this.


.................


it's been a weird week.
i'm still trying to figure some things out.
school is going decently enough
- i'm not currently panicking,
which is a nice change.
i can't help but feel like it has
to do with the calming effect
someone has had upon me...

but who knows,
maybe it's just spring that's been
my breath of fresh air,
& not him.
maybe i'll never know.

distance.

this is proving to be difficult.

is it possible to miss something you
never really had in the first place?

tonight i'm tangled in my blanket of clouds...

dreaming aloud...

the elusive mojo.

(AGAIN)

i don't think i've ever felt so burnt out...
school is brutal.
that's actually an enormous understatement.

i 'm getting by.
but there are days that i'm
hanging by a thread.
i just *need* to make it through
the next 2 months,
& then the next 2 years...

lately i've been asking myself
WHY i'm doing this,
& continually must force myself
to remind myself
that it will all in fact be
worth it...
all of the sleep deprivation
& sacrifice will pay off.

i just need to keep my head
above water for the next while...


luckily my head's spent some time
up in the clouds lately.
(which unfortunately doesn't do much
for my scholarly motivation)
HOWEVER...i'm thankful that i'm
capable of such emotion,
as i was beginning to wonder
whether or not i still
had it in me.
glad the old ticker still works...

soulmate?

smooooooooch.

spring has sprung.

life is complicated but
good these days!

here's hoping the trend of
awesomeness continues...

i recently reconnected with someone
from about a decade ago
who has blindsided me with their radness!
the world works in strange ways,
& i'm both happy & thankful
for this odd turn of events.

i vow to blog more soon,
but for now,
it's time to catch some zzzzzzzz's!

I'm out of my mind - think you can wait?

sentimental.

"& when the time is right, i
hope that you'll respond
like when the wind gets tired
& the ocean becomes calm;
i may be dreaming
but i'm longing to belong to you"
- Eddie Vedder

yep.

my willpower is impeccable.

how to be alone.

this video is a bit cheesy but there's something about it
that gets me, & so i feel the need to share it...



i especially like this part:

"Society is afraid of alonedom,
like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements,
like people must have problems if,
after a while, nobody is dating them.
but lonely is a freedom that
breathes easy
and weightless and
lonely is healing if you make it."
- Tanya Davis

i admit i've been afraid of being alone,
that i may have spent some time just
attempting to fill the gap.
i see things differently now.
i think that being in a
brutal relationship
(that ended almost 2 years ago now)
is what i needed
in order to realize what's really important.

& it's funny how
the loneliest i've ever been was
when i was with "him"...

relationships don't hold the answers,
we do,
within ourselves.

killing time.

timing has never been my forte.

but i believe that
the latest turn of events
has taught me that
i was wrong - i'm not broken after all.
so that's something.
actually, i'm pretty sure that's some kind of breakthrough...

beautiful.

obsessed.

can't sleep...

must defend house from zombies...

[the one on the pogo stick fucks me over every time]

calm down.

i have to keep reminding myself it won't
stay this way forever.
(everything ends)

but there are things beyond my control right now
that make my heart ache.

i feel unsteady.

that left a mark.

What we call the beginning is often the end.
& to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.
- T. S. Eliot

gravitational pull.

i think there might be some things

that are worth waiting for.

slow down.

le sigh.

i have ants in my pants.

i write my last exam for term 2 tomorrow! huzzah!

my eyes are burning due to lack of sleep.

i've had some awesome talks with some awesome people lately,
& i think it's helped me locate my missing mojo.
thanks, dudes.
(they know who they are)
i think i'll be okay.

another reason not to use acronyms

stir crazy.

i'm sick of studying,
sick of no surprises,
sick of being sleep-deprived
sick of my hair & body
(i've turned into such a girl - when the HELL did this happen?)

...sick of always waiting for things to happen.
blahhhhhhhhhh.

break down the walls.

when i was a kid,
one of my favourite tv shows was
in search of...
it was narrated by leonard nemoy:each episode was about the hunt for some
historical phenomenon or mythical creature.
i remember spending a summer
running around the woods barefoot at the lake
looking for bigfoot.

today i'm still 'in search of' many things,
only those things that i seek have changed greatly.
i'm seeking:

- COMFORT
- purpose
- fulfillment
- truth
- love
- acceptance

i also hope to rediscover & unearth
some qualities within myself
that used to exist,
but have been stomped into what i hope
is only a temporary submission.

i don't regret the things that i've done,
& i'm not sorry
for loving the ones that i've loved.

but i do wish that i could buck up...
& instead of hiding the scars that have been left behind,
instead of maintaining the fortress
i've so delicately built around my heart...
that i could just break down the walls
& put myself out there again.

fruits of labor

Today was my last day of my 1st clinical rotation:
- I passed!
(not that I expected otherwise)
I'm feeling more & more 'nurse-like' all the time. :)
Now just to make it through final exams...

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Einstein

things done lately...

- studying

- i replaced napping with P90X
(plyometrics owned me today)

- snuggled with my cats

- i also re-arranged my entire room
(confession: this is what i do when i feel sad)

- cut out a destructive person from my life

(don't ask)


- reminisced

- wanted to cry (but i can't)

coming to Winnipeg...

this made my day today,

& will probably make my summer too!

July 2nd at the MTS Centre!

missing.

hmmm...
what do you do
if you find yourself
missing someone
who never really existed?